We’ve all coveted Spongebob Squarepants’ unique undersea digs, and now Nickelodeon Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic is ready to fulfill that fruit-shaped fantasy.
For a cool $3,800 per night (!!!!), resort guests can escape to Bikini Bottom in a villa modeled after Spongebob’s iconic pineapple house. I feel personally victimized by this price tag, but I gotta admit–the place looks pretty sweet (and canonically accurate):
Here’s the living room, rocking a general watery motif:
Matching sea-worthy beds for the kiddos:
And a thoroughly beachy master bedroom:
I know what you’re thinking: um, this is swanky and all, but it is NOTHING like Spongebob’s house, you lying slut. And yes, the living areas are lacking that barebones Squarepants aesthetic–but the villa also has an exact replica of Spongebob’s actual living room! It’s just all, you know. Plastic.
So at the end of the day, you’re not going to be living the authentic Spongebob lifestyle. Spongebob flips Krabby Patties for a living. Patrick doesn’t even have a job. Sandy is just an early gentrifier driven undersea by skyrocketing real estate ashore. At its heart, Bikini Bottom is a blue-collar community. And yet, in this bougiefied alternate universe, Spongebob’s pad has access to a gorgeous infinity pool and a private goddamn butler.
Food for thought: what kind of families actually vacation here? Blue Ivy and her parents? The Trump grandkids?