As a modern, single straight guy, you might have thought that all your dating hang-ups could be solved by apps like Tinder, which “matches” you with a potential date if you both “swipe right” on each other. Finally, thousands of hot babes at your fingertips!
As it turns out, though, women are fully alive, conscious human beings with thoughts and preferences of their own. It is neither socially acceptable nor effective to approach them the way you might approach other things that you think of as objects made expressly for your pleasure, like sports cars or Tarantino movies. While you can download Pulp Fiction with just one click, getting a girl requires engaging her with respect, interest, and willingness to get to know her as an individual. And who has time for that when there are other pressing matters, such as knocking back a cold one with the boys, to attend to?
Luckily, men have never had a problem that technology couldn’t solve. A new startup recently reached its funding goal for a product called Tinda Finger, which plugs into your smartphone and makes a continuous right-swiping motion across the screen, “not only freeing up valuable time, but also maximizing your chance of a potential match.” You’ll never have to think of dating as a real interpersonal encounter again—Tinda Finger turns it into a pure numbers game AND helps you beat the odds!
Tinda Finger is that extra thumb you’ve always dreamed of – no, not THAT extra thumb, though you may have been dreaming about swiping that one across girls’ faces too. According to its Kickstarter page, Tinda Finger can swipe right to over 6,000 profiles an hour while you do more important and fulfilling things. Just look at all these liberated gentlemen, tossin’ around the pig skin til the cold ones run out!
“But wait,” you might ask me, tipping your fedora daintily like the nice guy you are. “Can’t anyone use Tinda Finger, even non- straight men?” To which, my dear sir, I must reply: having been on the wrong side of many an indiscriminate Tinder finger, I wouldn’t wish the fate on someone else. I’ll just take my cues from the promotional video that Tinda Finger is not for me.