It’s been a few months since Gwyneth Paltrow announced she would be distancing herself from her brand goop to help it grow on its own, and my heart has a hole in it. I miss her weekly newsletter that allowed me a peek into the fascinating psyche of the woman who ‘I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.’ Where else would I learn that her daughter inhales bags of Cheetos at the airport? Come back!
Fortunately, the annual goop Gift Guide has been enough to distract me. The gift guide is separated into different categories, such as The Host, The Thinker, The Traveler, and some other pretentious themes. There’s also an attempt at being self-aware with the ‘Ridiculous Gift Guide,’ which sports a $8000 portable yurt, but this fails to recognize that most every gift on every guide could fall into the over the top pretentious category. And I’m here to break them down for you.
I feel I should preface this by saying I am an extremely un-classy, un-worldly, and un-cultured basic bitch who’s just trying make rent in the face of making horrible impulse buys every day. So if I criticize any of these gifts but in reality they’re actual quite normal, it’s because I have not reached that level of bourgeois adulthood yet and you should pity me. But for now, let’s sort through the good, the bad, and the what the fuck? (It’s mostly the latter).
What the fuck kind of paper are you weighing down?
I cannot tell a lie: I would be thrilled if someone got this for me. I ain’t ever paying for it though.
Because big brother is always watching and you want to look super sleek when you’re scrubbing plaque off your teeth.
The emotional baggage partially refers to the guilt you feel after spending $50 on a fucking cotton tote bag.
In what universe can’t you just get a much (probably free) cheaper version of this at your provider? This marketing is making me angry.
Think! Of! The! Bugs!
For when you want to make your roommates suffer.
I’m going to be honest. I read through the product description like 12 times and I still do not understand what these are supposed to be or do.
For when you have a standardized test and want to be a real asshole.
I’ll admit, I’m not a lanterns expert, but I feel like they didn’t cost so much back in the day.