You think you and your SO have a ~magical~ romance? You think you’ve snagged the best sweetie on the planet?
WRONG. Because there’s only one man on this brittle shell of a planet worthy of that title. His name? duffmanzalotofthings.
I mean, that’s not like his real name. It’s his Reddit username. But still: never have I been more aware of how desperately single I am until this fateful day–a day on which ’twas revealed the deepest and truest of relationships. The love of a man so blessed with compassion, creativity, and crafting prowess that not even Voldemort in his prime would dare defy the power of his love.
Apparently, this guy and his wife are big Harry Potter fans, because for herwedding gift, duffmanzalotofthings decide to gift his lady love with her very own makeshift pensieve.
For the uninitiated (if the uninitiated even exist?), a Pensieve is a magical object in which a witch or wizard can store memories to relive later. In the absence of actual magic abilities (probably), he decided to create his own Muggle version of the swirly memory bowl so that he and the Mrs. could revisit the many fun and wonderful times they had together.
Here’s how to steal his idea for your own, obviously less-beloved:
Step 1: MAKE THAT GIRL A FUCKING BOWL. MAKE IT YOUR OWN DAMN SELF. (that’s right bitches, he literally took pottery classes so he could throw her a handmade bowl.)
Step 2: Find some little glass vials.
Step 3: Get a bunch of little scraps of paper.
Step 4: Write down your favorite couple-y memories on the bits of paper, preferably with illustrations.
Look at this memory. LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THAT LITTLE STINGRAY.
Step 5: Now you’re going go all Ollivander and craft your lover their own unique wand–made out of metal, though, instead of wood. Why, you ask?
Because: remember the little slips of memories you put in those vials? You’re going to put motherfucking MAGNETS on the bottom of the bottles, so homegirl can ~magically~ levitate those suckers of her pensieve.
ACTUAL MAGNET MAGIC.
Step 6: Take some extra memory-vials and leave them empty in a fancy box, to keep on hand for the storage of ~future memories~
Step 7: Let “owl post” deliver the pensieve package
Step 8: WATCH YOUR S.O. MELT. BECAUSE THEY WILL LITERALLY BE A PUDDLE OF EMOTION ON THE FLOOR AND YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO PULL OFF SOME REAL VOODOO MAGIC TO MAKE THEM SOLID AGAIN SO THEY CAN WALK DOWN THE AISLE AND MARRY YOU.
Seriously. Is this not the cutest, most creative gift you’ve ever heard of? Are you not secretly judging your boyfriend? Will you not spend the rest of your life in throes of passive-agressive resentment that they never did anything so beautiful and wizard-like for you??
I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.