It’s official. I’m a motherfucking DOLPHIN.
Anyone with a Potter book and a pulse has spent the last decade and half of their life in the throes of one eternal question: WHAT IS MY PATRONUS? When Pottermore first began sorting eager Muggles into their respective Hogwarts houses, thousands of fans took a step further into the wizarding as they finally came to terms with the fact that they are, in fact, a Hufflepuff. Cry me a river, Puffs.
Later, when Rowling began publishing new information about the American wizarding school houses, rabid readers were able to get more magical validation with a quiz that sorted them into one of those houses. And let’s not forget about the wand selection process, which somehow managed to make little wooden sticks symbolically and personally significant.
But now, Pottermore’s created a quiz to determine your ultimate spirit animal–minus the whole cultural appropriation thing: your Patronus. When fighting off soul-sucking Dementors, what animal’s going to come to your rescue?
This quiz is different from the others thus far; rather than posing questions meant to provoke thoughtful decisions, the patronus selection takes you through the Forbidden Forest and asks you to act on pure instinct, simply choosing between various words.
Anyway, as I said before–I’m a dolphin. I’m pretty ambivalent about it. But I’m impressed with the sheer ecological diversity the Patronus quiz offers. This isn’t some basic who’s who of the local zoo, but a full-on encyclopedic representation of the animal kingdom. There are at least 142 possible results! And while many are over the moon with their silvery little buddy, others are totally bewildered by their assigned animal.
My sister, for example, got a Salmon. A salmon. What about my sister’s soul screams “salmon?” The world may never know. But Evanna Lynch, the actress who played Luna Lovegood in the films, was also diagnosed as a salmon. So it can’t be all bad?
Others have gotten various breeds of horses, dogs, cats, birds, rodents, reptiles, and members of the weasel family.
Take the quiz here.