“All the world’s a stage, and we are but players in’t.” Such is the Shakespearean motto in one particularly insular world, a magical land where the costumes have lice and no one breaks character: Walt Disney World.
Deepest in our heart of hearts, all of us have suspected that there’s a darker side to Disney–no one’s that happy, all the time. Beneath Mickey Mouse’s fuzzy perma-grin, we think, he he must hide a deep well of unshed tears, a treasure trove of complicated secrets.
Or like, maybe not. Maybe you just enjoy your theme park experience like a normal person. BUT THERE IS A RIGID SYSTEM BENEATH ALL THE SHINY PRINCESS VENEER: a playbook of rules, codes, and methods that serve as the park’s guiding principles and the workers’ cheery game. Trendchaser has compiled an exhaustive list of Disney secrets; here’s a condensed version for those of you who’d rather not click through 50 slides
Everyone is always. in. character.
The employees at Disney are not “employees”–they’re called cast members. Not just the princesses and cartoons dressed in chracter, but everyone involved the whole damn operation. And they’re not allowed to break character for any reason. A kid could take a shit on the ground right in front of Sleeping Beauty and she’d have to be like, “oh my! what a perfectly darling turd!” Cast members even have to pick up trash gracefully. No squatting allowed.
Furthermore, they’re not allowed to know anyone outside of the Disney universe. Channing Tatum could walk into the park and be like “sup Goofy” and the poor S.O.B. in the Goofy suit would just have to say “Gawrsh” and act like he’d never seen Magic Mike! Anything a Disney character ostensibly wouldn’t know about, neither do these motherfuckers. What’s an iPhone? Who is Barack Obama?
No fucking idea! These guys are method actors.
Under no circumstances can a character take off his costume head in front of customers; under no circumstances can two Disney princesses be seen walking around the park at the same time. THE ILLUSION MUST REMAIN INTACT–AT ALL COSTS.
Their Disney alter-egos are top-secret to the outside world.
A Disney princess can’t tell anyone what character she plays at the park–the most she can say is, like, “I hang out with Aurora.” Using phones or any form of social media is forbidden during your shift. Taking selfies in costume is a firing offense.
They speak in code.
Like we said before, maintaining the Disney mystique is key–so icky shit cannot happen. If you hear a cast member say “Code V,” that means somebody puked. “Vomit” is not in the Disney vocabulary. And if someone tells you to “have a Disney day?” Sounds pleasant enough, but it’s actually a giant ‘fuck you.’ I don’t know what you did to piss off the guy at Space Mountain, but he hates you.
Everyone is fucking each other.
Belle’s banging Aladdin, Cinderella’s blowing Gaston, and Peter Pan is most definitely getting it on with Prince Charming. It’s like a smutty crossover fanfic IRL.
Or, if you’d rather, a magical fairy tale happily ever after.
They will leave you to be eaten by crocodiles.
If you’re one of the morons who decides to hang out the side of the jeep on the safari ride, you’re fucked. They tell you to not to leave your seats for a reason: there’s a portion of the ride that takes you on a bridge over waters filled with crocodiles–and if you fall in, the driver will not stop to save you. Instead, he’s trained to speed away ASAP to make sure the other customers don’t see you get eaten.
It’s dog-eat-dog, croc-eat-human world at Disney. Is your childhood ruined yet? For more, check out the enormous 60-slide secret fact-a-palooza at Trendchaser.