The FIFTY SHADES DARKER trailer dropped yesterday, and thusly did untold legions of ladyboners deflate along with it. Despite its BDSM sex dungeon of a premise, the Twilight-fanfic-turned-blockbuster-trilogy seems to largely involve Mardi Gras masks, broody posing, and rhetorical questions.
“Intrigued?” Christian mumbles at one point, smirking into Anastasia’s delicate ear whilst capable actress Dakota Johnson questions the decisions that led her to this role.
Nah. Not really.
True story: The History Channel has made me hornier.
Here are 50 things that are definitely sexier than the 50 SHADES DARKER trailer:
Michael Cera circa 2005
Sneezing 4 times in a row
This picture of Meryl Streep as a cannoli
This emergency exit map
Taurus’s September Horoscope
Getting a mammogram
Successfully blaming a fart on someone else